Giotto's Midlife Crisis
by MercyMeLucretia
Summary: Sawada Tsunayoshi thinks it's finally time to relax. As he dreams about his vacation, his ancestor Giotto visits him and asks him for advice. At first, he doesn't believe what's happening in front of him. But the Vongola sticks together. If Tsuna wants to or not... CRACK
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **So here's my new story but I don't expect anything out of it. Originally, this story was planned as "**Captain Space Pirate Giotto and the Guardians from Mars"** but my concept developed into more than that rather quickly. I hope everyone will understand that I wrote this just for the heck of it. Please don't take it seriously. Don't expect the characters to actually be in character. As already said in the summary, this is a crack fic and I mean that, guys. Seriously. Anyway, enjoy!

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**Giotto's Midlife Crisis**

It was a rather boring day for Sawada Tsunayoshi, the tenth boss of the internationally feared Vongola crime family. He could be hardly surprised by anyone or anything anymore because his lovely job made sure that he developed nerves of steel. Stainless steel to be exact.

Other than that, his life was almost permanent on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He had already, like, 29 in just ten years in business. Still, he was better off than some of the previous bosses. For instance, the fourth boss (also known as the freaky fork guy), was said to have a breakdown every second month. The only one who was reported to have stayed as perfectly sane was the first boss and the founder of the Vongola, the legendary Giotto. He was so legendary that he didn't even have a last name. Because he was just as awesome as that, folks.

Giotto himself stood out so much as a prime example of what a mafia boss should be that nobody could adequately surpass his achievements. Not even Tsuna could, on a good day, come even nearly close. This fact was even made more impressive by the fact that Giotto never wanted to be a mafia boss and insisted that he founded a "vigilante group" with his friends. And everybody believed him. Because anything different would be heresy and just completely unthinkable. Yeah...

But Giotto was not only unsurpassed, no, on top of that his mere existence was shrouded in mystery. His life was so mysterious that it confused researchers profoundly. According to the most advanced scientist, he lived 400 years ago. Of course that made perfect sense. It totally fit into what human know about history, _especially _the Japanese history. The seclusion during the 1640s in Japan that made it impossible for foreigners to settle down there was not an obstacle for awesome Giotto. He managed it because he had a freaking flame on his forehead.

If you have a flame on your forehead you're allowed to do anything. Sadly, Tsuna was not there as the Council of Awesomeness had decided on that topic. He was busy fighting robot pirate zombies in Belgium, believe it. Or he had taken some random "medicine". Sometimes he did that. I mean, coping with psychopathic maniacs which called themselves his guardians was not a piece of cake.

As luck would have it, he was still young, only twenty-four. Before he went overboard he could just pass down his beloved job on someone gullible and naïve. Exactly the same what the Ninth did, that cunning bastard. Maybe someone else was also somehow related to Giotto so that these poor idiots could do the job and not him. Who knew what Giotto did in his spare time? Everything was possible.

Aside from wishful thinking, Sawada Tsunayoshi looked forward for his upcoming vacation. Finally, he would be miles away from his stalkers also known as "guardians". As time went by, Tsuna wondered what they were supposed to guard. It couldn't possibly be his sanity. Maybe, just maybe, he did something really bad and being forced to be surrounded by them was his personal purgatory.

All of a sudden, Tsuna was violently interrupted in his musings about how much his life sucked and that it was all the fault of Reborn, as he heard a loud knock on the door.

Tsuna mentally cursed at the person who dared to intrude his privacy. He planned to take a nap after his "emo-hour" where he pitied himself like there was no tomorrow and someone had to disturb him. Apparently, this was just Sawada Tsunayoshi's luck.

Grudgingly, he gave an answer that indicated that this person could come in. He only hoped that this person had a good reason for disturbing him because if not, he would beat the crap out of that person. Hey, even a guy like Tsuna was not free of the influence of the insane guys around him.

He had already made the plan that he would not even look at the person who would come in. He'd just shun him or her with his cold indifference and that they would go away. The plan was absolutely foolproof in Tsuna's opinion. (It's needless to say that Tsuna still had moments of being tremendously stupid. This was one of them.)

The door opened but the person who went in made no sound. Although this was pretty strange, Tsuna wasted no thought about it. He had better things to do like watching pictures of cats with funny captions on the internet.

Which he even did while he pretended to do important paperwork. But alas, the person who might or might not entered the room remained silent.

Just as he was about to start his nap (he was convinced that either the person had already left or that some bastard tricked him), Tsuna heard a familiar voice. Namely his own voice. Great, now he was talking to himself without his knowledge. What a great day. Hooray.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi, look at me" commaned his voice. Sure, why not. He didn't care anymore, anyway.

As Tsuna looked up, he stared in downright shock with his mouth stupidly open.

Right before him stood no one other than Vongola Primo A/K/A Giotto (just in case you couldn't tell).

Nice, now he was going to be haunted by the ghost of his ancestor, Tsuna thought. Another day that would go down into his personal history as one of the best days ever. How super special awesome.

Tsuna gave Giotto a deadpanned look. After saving the world several times, this occurrence was comparably nothing.

"Just why?"

Giotto took his sweet time to answer the man in front of him. Unfortunately for Tsuna, Giotto's expression was unreadable, just like a statue. After what seemed to take hours, he finally opened his mouth and spoke.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi, after I helped you out numerous times, I expect you to return my favours. Lately I had some problems in my time and I wanted your opinion on it. Originally, I planned to ask other more acknowledgeable candidates but you were to only one available. So please listen and give me your opinion."

"Yeah, I'm being insulted by a hallucination." Tsuna mocked. He really didn't care he just wanted to get some sleep after half of his guardians started a fight last night that didn't even gave him one minute of sleep. Maybe he should just fire his guardians and all the problems would be solved, Tsuna quickly thought and wrote a note to not forget this brilliant idea.

Giotto just shot him a glare. He was Vongola Primo, he had the right to be respected, dammit!

Being glared at, Tsuna went back to business mode. After all, he didn't want to get killed or anything like that.

"So, what's your problem?" Tsuna asked quite nervously.

Giotto decided to make things short.

"Currently, I live through a thing called midlife crisis. Don't ask. As a mean to cope with that I had a, let's say, rather interesting idea."

"I don't know, you're a ghost, you know that. I'm not trying to be rude but you're dead. Your problem is, well, impossible for a dead person. And who says that you're even real. You could just be one of Mukuro's illusions as revenge because I only pay him minimum wage. It's not my fault when he doesn't read his job contract right!"

By now, Giotto was really annoyed. That person in front of him was supposed to be his successor? Really? A dog could do a better job.

"If I'm not real, than how could I do that?"

Before Tsuna could ask what exactly Giotto could do, he was punched out of his seat and across the room, nearly missing being thrown out of the window.

"I stand corrected."

After some minutes, Sawada Tsunayoshi made his way back to his desk. Regaining his composure again, he tried to make the best of this situation. Namely not cry like a baby because of the immense pain because that would have been to lame, even for Tsuna.

"So, what's your idea?"

Surprisingly, Giotto began to smile. First, this smile was quite nice, even charming, but quickly his smile resembled more the one of a maniac.

"I want to be a rapper."

Silence engulfed Tsuna's office. One could almost hear the birds singing and herbivores screaming in pain as Hibari Kyoya bit them to death.

"What."

Tsuna's face was completely deadpan. In front of him, Giotto merely laughed.

"And you're the one who's going to help me."

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Yes, you read right. Beware the next chapter where Giotto will actually rap. It will get insane, folks. Also, the rating likely may change.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **As you can see, here's the second chapter of "Giotto's Midlife Crisis" and I must say that I was actually surprised that people actually liked this. Thank you very much for reading, reviewing, alerting and/or favouring this story. And now behold the thrilling conclusion of last chapter's cliffhanger... or not!

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"No."

Tsuna was not sure what to think at that moment; his no was more of a desperate attempt to try to cope with the unbelievable situation that was unfolding in front of his eyes. Okay, he was surrounded by a talking sadistic baby, alleged five year old children who did not even remotely looked like human beings, supernatural powers, time travel and resurrecting people from deaths in the past... But that was nothing compared to this! He would have understood it if Giotto asked him to, let's say, save the world (it wasn't like he had no experience in this kind of thing), but... _this _was just too much to take, even for Tsuna.

"What do you mean when you say no?" said Giotto calmly, maybe even too calmly. Perhaps his murderous expression which he wore while saying this kind of gave it away.

Completely ignoring Giotto's bad acting skills, Tsuna just sat in his seat and proceeded to look at the funny pictures with cats. Maybe if he would ignore Giotto, he would go away, thought Tsuna. But as it was already established, this day was not one of the very brightest in Tsuna's life.

Giotto himself was starting to get really annoyed. How dared this cheap copy of him to just say no. This was not the way things were supposed to work. He did not defy the laws of time and logic to come here and get rejected like this. Perhaps a _different _approach would work.

"Hey, Tsu-chan, have I ever told you about my super secret technique?"

Being shocked that the words "Tsu-chan" came out of Giotto's mouth, Tsuna had a very hard time not to throw up. Somehow, the universe seemed to hate him. A lot.

"No... And please, could you stop calling me Tsu-chan? It's really creepy, you know, " said Tsuna rather hesitantly.

"Well, here's a deal. I show you my secret technique, which is totally awesome by the way, and you will help me no matter what. So, what do you say?"

Tsuna stared in disbelief. Was this person Giotto? The Giotto he had met during critical battles? The one who seemed so cool and calm all the time?

"What makes you think that I would simply agree to this? You know, I have other things to do than helping dead people."

Giotto had to agree that Tsuna did had a point there. Now he had tot think of an excellent comeback.

"My secret technique is the most efficient at keeping stupid guardians or annoying people in general, at distance. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about," Giotto said with a devious smirk.

"Okay, I'm in."

"Well, that was pretty fast," remarked Giotto in surprise.

"Don't waste your time. Teach me."

The desperate look on Tsuna's face immediately changed into a maniacal one.

"Okay... Well, I'm going to demonstrate this technique only once, remember that. I feel like I'm wasting important time convincing you to help me. Kinda pointless, don't you think. Anyway, behold the super secret technique," Giotto said while Tsuna nodded his head after every word like a deranged puppy.

"DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!" screamed the first boss of the Vongola as he kicked Tsuna mercilessly in his private parts. And various other regions of his body. It was just too much fun, so don't judge him, okay? Anger management hadn't been invented yet in Giotto's time.

"What... was that for? And why did you scream domestic violence? That's not a topic to make fun of, you know, " Tsuna said while he coughed.

"That's my technique. It's super effective! And now you will help me, so stop laying on the floor like a little girl and get up and be a man!"

While Tsuna still lay helplessly in a fetal position clutching desperately his manly golden balls, Giotto paid no attention to him at all and began to strut around his ancestor's office. He totally did not look like a fairy doing that, mind you.

He continued his totally virile walk for about half an hour (yes, that long). Giotto strutted like there was no tomorrow. But during his little trip through the private area of Sawada Tsunayoshi, he accidentally burned Tsuna's desk, ate all his ice cream from his very secret refrigerator which nobody, even Reborn (!), knew about and installed Internet Explorer as the default browser on Tsuna's computer.

All of a sudden, a very creaky voice apparently wanted to complain about something. It was no other than Sawada Tsunayoshi who, obviously, just in that moment overcame his latest trauma.

"I object the use of "private area" while talking about my office. It sounds very inappropriate and dirty."

Just as Tsuna finished his protest, Giotto looked up from the very interesting _adult_ magazines Tsuna kept in the middle of his paperwork.

Giotto spoke up but he still kept his eyes on the very interesting magazines. Of course only for the study of anatomy. What else were you thinking, you perverts?

"That was a reference," Giotto simply stated.

Tsuna was still left in deep confusion. He couldn't grasp how "private area" was a reference to anything!

"How is that a reference," the tenth generation Vongola boss asked his predecessor.

Frustated, Giotto looked up from the magazine he was currently studying.

"Well, let's say that it is more of an inside joke."

"But nobody will recognize this joke. So it doesn't make much sense keeping it in this fanfic," Tsuna added after Giotto's explaination.

Tsuna's words made Giotto laugh out loud.

"Do you think anyone ever spots a reference here? I very much doubt that."

Tsuna did know that Giotto had a point there. But then, he remembered something very important.

"Didn't you came here to become a rapper?"

Giotto widened his eyes in big surprise.

He totally forgot that he originally arrived here to fulfil his dream of becoming a rapper.

"Eh, but I'm not prepared at all," Giotto said while he avoided Tsuna's stare and fidgeted his fingers.

"Just... what are you?"

Tsuna moved slowly closer to Giotto. His hair covered most of his face, so Giotto couldn't read his expression at all. But Giotto wasn't afraid. This shrimp could never take him in a fight, that was for sure.

"What are you even thinking?"

Tsuna's voice was now dangerously low. Apparently the effects of the recent attack on his treasured manly parts were now gone.

By the way, Giotto was still as calm as ever. He only shook because he also broke the radiator on his little journey.

"How can you simply disappoint all the readers who were excited to see you rap? How do you think they feel now?"

As Tsuna screamed this into Giotto's ears while grabbing him by his collar.

Giotto had no other choice now. He had to tell Tsuna the truth about life.

"You know, Tsunayoshi-kun," Giotto said now completely serene.

"Well, what do I know? And why am I now called Tsunayoshi-kun?"

Now having a very sceptical look on his face, Tsuna was now more than annoyed at Giotto's antics.

After several minutes of silence, Giotto finally resumed his speech. He laid his hands on Tsuna's shoulders and looked at him with a very tranquil smile of his face. But what he said, were words that Sawada Tsunayoshi would never forget in his life.

"You just experienced being trolled."

Oh.

Needless to say that the realization hit Tsuna hard.

It was a good thing that Tsuna still had his "emo-corner". Actually the "emo-corner" was just an unused cupboard just big enough for Tsuna to step in. But let's kindly disregard this fact.

But Giotto had another thing which he wanted to tell Tsuna. It was a very urgent topic which couldn't be postponed at all.

A second demonstration of Giotto's secret technique, made Tsuna come back to his senses. Well, kind of.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi, I have to tell you another thing. A thing that will change everything, especially your very own life as Vongola Decimo."

Sadly, Tsuna couldn't speak at this moment because most of his teeth weren't located in his mouth anymore. But don't worry about him too much, he has enough money to pay the best dentists in the world. Probably. That is, if his dear guardians haven't already caused so much destruction that the repair bills haven't reached monstrous amounts. Which was not that far-fetched...

"You aren't Vongola Decimo."

Tsuna could only chuckle. Well, at least he would have chuckled if his whole body wasn't in so much pain.

"Instead you are... Neo Vongola Primo."

The only thing that could be heard for the next two weeks were the hysterical laughs of the one and only Sawada Tsunayoshi.

Meanwhile, Giotto made himself comfortable in his ancestor's office. He finally managed to contact his old gang. His, as he put it, bro "MC G" was just about to arrive.

It was finally time for Fresh G's comeback.

But now really.

I swear.

_On the next installment of "Giotto's Midlife Crisis": Will Tsuna finally regain the rest of his sanity? Will there be more inappropriate jokes? Will Fresh G finally make his long-awaited comeback? What does this elephant do in the elevator? What is the sense of life? Will this nightmare ever end? Will the trolling ever be stopped? And, the most important question: will there be ever an actual plot?_

_Be sure to stay tuned, folks!_

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Reviews are always very welcome! :)


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